Wednesday, September 13, 2006

And he could see (no reasons) 'cause there are (no reasons) what reasons do you need to be shown

The front page of last Friday’s paper bore my favorite headline so far of my time in Palau:

“Machete wielding lawyer threatens PRA.”

What makes it most awesome is that, apparently, it is true. According to reports, this past Labor Day, a government lawyer became so frustrated with a downed computer server that he grabbed his machete, walked into the computer store and threatened to cut off the staff’s fingers and/or hands unless they came to fix it.

Which, when you think about it, is pretty awesome. I mean, who hasn’t wanted to take a machete to an IT professional before? At my office, we’ve decided that every expat lawyer needs to adopt his or her own weapon so that it is ready if and when one loses one’s shit. Some of the attorneys are skewing fancy, calling dibs on exotic weapons like Chinese stars and other assorted ninja paraphernalia. Personally, I think we should be adopting the creative, real-life weapons from actual cases that have been prosecuted here in Palau. As such, I haven’t settled on my weapon yet, but I have several options:

Mayonnaise jar
Phone book
Shampoo bottle
Rake handle

and my personal favorite:

Broken red plastic wash basin

I’m reminded of a short film contest my friend told me about. Intrigued by the concept of the “hit” movie Snakes on a Plane, a cinema drafthouse in Austin, Texas, sponsored an amateur film contest entitled “Blanks on a Blank,” whose only requirement was that the film feature some sort of animal on some sort of moving vehicle. I’m told that the best short film of the lot was “Bears on a Motorboat.”

I’m contemplating doing the same thing here, hosting a short film contest entitled “Blank Wielding Lawyer Threatens Blank.” Think of the possibilities! Now all I’ve got to do is figure out what kind of terror I can inflict with this jar of Hellmans…

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

One is the loneliest number that you've ever known

One year, by the numbers:

Months in Palau: 13.5

Months overdue for a “year in review post”: 1.5

Dives: 91

Near death diving experiences: 2

Life-changing diving experiences: those 2 plus a good handful of non-mortal dives

Diving-related injuries: scores of bruises, but no broken bones or holes in my lungs (yet)

Non-diving-related injuries: 2 broken toes and a flesh-eating bacteria (unrelated)

Pounds lost: 60

Tattoos gained: 1

Family deaths: 3

Trials won: 3

Trials lost: 0

Defendants put in jail: 3

Marine WWII artifacts recovered for the Republic: 13

Cases making international headlines: 1

Great American Novels written: 0

Great American Novels (or memoirs) started: 3

Different hair colors: 4

Pairs of flip-flops in my “wear to work collection”: 7

Days spent wearing a sweatshirt: 0

All in all, despite its ups and downs, not a bad year. So much happens that can’t be put on the internet, so you’ll have to wait for the book to come out. Until then, I will be back with a post on crazy Palauan foodstuffs. With pictures!